Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
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