I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
