Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
