I accidentally burped into my bong.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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