i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
