We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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