I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
