I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
