fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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