never play flip cup with pint glasses
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
