He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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