You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
