The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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