I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Randomize
