we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
