I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Randomize
