I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
