I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
