How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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