i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
