My liver just broke up with me...
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
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