there's paper in my vomit.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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