Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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