I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
