I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Randomize
