Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
