i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize