Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
