looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
