I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
