The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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