hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
