Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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