Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
tell me about the fingering
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