I will die if light touches me.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
