So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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