I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
and you fell through a lawn chair
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
