and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
