The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
