I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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