Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
