I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize