Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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