"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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