So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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