I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
