Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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