theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
