This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
