you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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