Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
