Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize