I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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