Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Randomize
