My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
