The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
