Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
