The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
