I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Randomize
