Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
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