I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
not ubering you a puppy
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
