I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
being pregnant is like rehab
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
