mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
