Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize