So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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