he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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