Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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