At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
