and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
