If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
