wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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