come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
