i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
