i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
