Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
