Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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